Thanksgiving Survival Guide

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Living through one of the major holidays every year can be tough. Halloween was awesome, but now Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming — 2 holidays that involve spending money, trudging through snow and mountains of other stressed-out human beings, and spending time with that group of people that you are obliged to. Your family. Here are some scenarios that might come about at Thanksgiving and the days leading up to it, and how to cope. Good luck to you, friends.

Your vegan relative expresses not only how they can’t eat the main dish, but also start to tell you all the reasons that you too, should become a vegan. You’re just fine with them saying why they don’t want to eat the turkey that you slaved over, but now they’re imposing their opinions on you. To solve this, take them out to a farm or out in the wild and bring them face to face with a real, live turkey. What happens next might at least get them to stop criticizing your omnivorous diet.

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The insanity of the coming holidays can make people a little depressed. You can always entertain them in some really funny ways and do something really crazy to make them feel better. Just be sure whatever you do isn’t too terrifying or unsanitary.

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Maybe you’re starting to feel guilty because of how much you’re eating? You can always work it off later. Just wearing some extra stretchy pants so you won’t notice the difference. Wearing your tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner is just a bad idea all around.

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Enlist the help of your friends to help you do some of the cooking. If they’re the ones cooking, offer to help if they don’t ask. This way, you’re not the only one that will get blamed if something doesn’t turn out right.

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If an old conservative family member wants to drone on about America and how Thanksgiving is such a great way to give thanks, remind them what happened to the natives after the pilgrims came and ate with them. Mention small pox blankets and the trail of tears. They’ll definitely invite you back next year. Actually they won’t, but that’s what you were going for anyway.

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All kinds of things can happen to ruin the day. But what’s the worst thing that can happen? Burning the house down with your unconventional way of cooking the turkey. Just be careful and maybe build the roasting/deep-frying/flambe/hell fire contraption outside.

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Then, there might be a relative at the table that is just all-around giving you a hard time. You don’t want to ruin Thanksgiving, but you also don’t want them to think they can get away with being so rude. Don’t hesitate to subtly tell them off if you just can’t ignore them.

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Spending turkey day alone? No problem. Get yourself a little Cornish hen or a mini turkey. It’ll be a lot easier to cook, and you can have anything on the side that you want — tater tots, Chinese takeout, and beer sound like good options.

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By later in the night, if you’re still hanging in there while everyone else is either drunk or watching the football game, you can either eat some more pie, or put those calories to better use and grab the alcohol.

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Remember, this holiday is about being happy with what you have. You might not feel like it at the moment, but things are pretty good if you’re sitting down with the people you care about. Just try to remember that.

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